


Good Years

by Louis_0091



Category: One Direction, Zouis - Fandom
Genre: Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Hate to Love, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, M/M, Older Louis, Older Zayn, Sexual Content, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:46:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23932522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louis_0091/pseuds/Louis_0091
Summary: Zayn (39) moves to South London for a fresh start for his son, Zander (11), and himself after a mess of a divorce and a custody battle. But Louis (40) and Freddie (16), already living in the same South London city, Freddie crosses paths with Zander at the local library. Louis and Zayn refuse to allow their sons to be on friendly terms but to no avail, which forces Louis and Zayn to see each other. Feathers are ruffled, conflict arises, and tears of frustration and emotional pain are shed.
Relationships: Zayn Malik/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter One

Freddie’s eyes scanned the classroom while the sounds of pens and pencils scribbled against papers as every student around him thought of the best possible thesis statements for their new history projects. He couldn’t think of anything, so all he could think to do was to look around the room in search of some sort of inspiration.

The gears in his head moved violently, almost creating a headache. His brain was practically hurting from thinking too hard. What was he supposed to write?

History fair sucked.

Everyone has to decide on a topic for the given theme, create a thesis, and then eventually build upon it to create a final project that is either in the form of a paper, website, or exhibit.

Freddie groaned and slouched in his seat, the gears in his head coming to a rest as his head pounded.

“Is there something the matter, Freddie?” Mrs. Mallory, the history teacher, asked, approaching his desk.

“I can’t think of anything,” he said, plopping his chin into his hand and exhaling a heavy sigh.

Mrs. Mallory knelt down beside his desk to take a look at what he had on his paper. “So the theme is conflict and compromise. I think your topic is great! So basically how did _The Treaty of Paris_ prevent future conflict? Is compromise simple to reach?”

“Umm,” Freddie began as he thought, “It ended the French and Indian war between Great Britain and France.”

“Right! France made a compromise with Great Britain in order to end the war, which was the conflict. France had to give up some territory, didn’t they, in order to have a successful compromise with Great Britain?” She said.

“Yeah, they had to give up Canada to Britain and Florida was given to Britain from Spain, but Britain told France they could keep its West Indian sugar islands and gave Spain Louisiana. So compromise wasn’t simple to reach because each one of them had to give up land in order to reach peace,” he explained. He actually felt really proud of himself for remember all of that information. He usually struggles with paying attention in class. Either he’s worrying about his dad or just daydreaming. So let’s just say quizzes and tests aren’t his strong point.

“See! You got it!” Mrs. Mallory exclaimed and gave him a friendly pat on the back. “Just keep in mind that your thesis statement is your argument.” She stood up and looked up at the clock above the door, causing Freddie to look at the time as well. Two minutes were left of class before dismissal.

“Time to wrap things up!” Mrs. Mallory announced as she walked over to her cluttered desk. “Make sure your thesis statement is finished by tomorrow, I will be checking. Citations are due this Friday, so you have an entire week to get that done. If you have any questions or issues, don’t tell me the day of when citations are due or else I will be very upset. My door is open to anyone with questions or need assistance during lunch.”

Freddie stuffed his history work into this black binder before shoving it down into his backpack. The bell finally rang, causing everyone to get up all at once to cram through the single door of the classroom, joining the sea of students flowing through the hallways.

The blonde boy shoved by his peers, making his way to the back of the school to where his car was. The warm, spring air warmed his cooler skin as he stepped outside. Just as he was digging into his pocket for his car key he felt an arm drape around his shoulders.

“Oi! Freddo!” His best friend, Leonard, exclaimed quite obnoxiously. Freddie winced as Leo’s loud voice penetrated his eardrums.

“Oh, come on! Why you’ve got to be so loud about everything?” Freddie grumbled, fishing his car keys out and unlocking the car Louis had gotten him for his sixteenth birthday.

“You going home?” Leonard asked, finally giving Freddie his distance as he dropped his arm from the blonde’s shoulder.

“I’m actually going to the library to work on my history project. I haven’t even finished my thesis yet, which is due tomorrow. I also need to work on my citations because those are due Friday,” he explained. He opened the backseat of his car and tossed his backpack in.

“Dude, you literally have all week to do citations, and you can do your thesis at lunch tomorrow,” Leonard said as Freddie slammed the backseat shut. “Come over and play Cod with me.”

“My dad would kill me if I chose video games over school work, especially over a project that is basically worth my entire grade.” Freddie got into his car and shut the door but rolled the window down as Leonard came around to the drivers side.

“You can tell him about the project tomorrow,” the obnoxious boy suggested, but Freddie shook his head.

“Mrs. Mallory and my dad stay in contact with each other because I’m struggling in her class, so she emails him everything that we do in class. He’s already hounding me for two missing assignments, even though they don’t weigh that much,” he explained, tossing his phone in the cup holder and then propping his arm on the open window.

Leonard snorted and rolled his eyes. “Your dad used to be so chill, mate. What happened to him? He’s so uptight now.”

Freddie was quite taken back, as well as offended. What’s so wrong about making sure your son succeeds in school? “I’ve got to go,” he mumbled, shifting the car into drive.

Leonard noticed the annoyed look on Freddie’s face. “Wait, did I make you mad?”

“Nope. Just have to go.” And then Freddie was pulling out of the lot of the school. Anyway, he can’t be talking to Leo forever because he needs to be home in three hours. Dad should have dinner ready by then.

About five minutes into his drive to the library his phone began to ring. He took a glimpse at the screen of his phone to see that his dad was calling. He groaned because of course he would call while he’s driving, so he connected the phone to his car and answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Where are you?” Louis’ voice came blaring out through the speakers of the car, which had Freddie cringing at the volume and rushing to turn the dial to the volume down some. “Hello?”

“I’m headed to the library to start my citations for my project,” Freddie said.

“You need to start texting me and telling me where you’re going because if anything happens to you your mother will have my throat. An ocean may keep us at a distance but she’ll walk on water just to kill me,” Louis said.

Freddie rolled his eyes because he’s heard this lecture one too many times before. “I know, I know, and I’m sorry. Leo had me distracted.”

Louis released a sigh over the phone before there was a brief moment of silence. “It’s fine. Just make sure you start texting me. But anyway, what do you want to eat for dinner? I’m at the shop.”

“Uh...I don’t know. Whatever is fine,” Freddie mumbled as he pulled into the lot of the library and carefully parked his car between the painted lines.

“Hmm...I can’t seem to find ‘whatever’ here. Maybe I need to try a different shop?” Louis joked and even chuckled at it

Freddie couldn’t help the smile that creeped onto his lips. “Ha, ha, you’re so funny, dad,” he said in a flat tone of voice to express his ‘amusement’.

“I guess I’ll just get something to pop into the oven,” Louis decided and the sound of him pushing the cart could be heard over the phone. “I’ll get a lasagna for tonight. Sound good?”

“Yep, sounds good. I’m at the library now, so I’ll text you when I’m leaving,” Freddie said as he turned the car off and unstrapped himself.

“Alright, you get that homework done. I’ll talk to you later,” Louis said.

“Okay, cool. Bye!” Freddie hung up before reaching back to snatch up his bag that held everything that he needed in order to get some homework done. He exited his car, jogging across the lot to get to the steps of the library. A stranger went in ahead of him, holding the door open for him.

The second be entered the library, he made a b-line for the laptops. He grabbed a random one from the rack and went in search of an isolated table to sit at. He wandered towards the back of the library where the large windows were. He liked the back of the library _because_ of the large windows. It allows the natural sunlight in rather than having the dim lights of the overheads.

He rounded the corner and stopped when he saw someone sitting at the single table by the large windows. It was a boy, probably a little bit younger than he was. The boy didn’t look like he was in secondary school just yet. The boy had jet black hair that was styled into a simple fringe. He had comic books spread out on the table while he read a Marvel one.

Freddie approached the table and set his laptop down on the table, causing the boy to look up immediately. He noticed the bright blue eyes the boy had. “Mind if I sit with you?“ Freddie asked, but the boy stared up at him without a response. “I like it back here because of the windows.”

“Sure,” the boy mumbled shyly.

Freddie pulled a chair out and plopped down into it. “I’m Freddie, by the way,” he introduced himself.

“Zander,” the younger boy introduced himself too and then tended back to the comics in front of him.

“Marvel, huh? My dad likes Marvel,” Freddie continued to try and make conversation.

“Really?” Zander was interested. “My dad too.”

“My dad likes Hulk, but I like Spider-man,” Freddie said.

“I like Iron man! Have you seen all of the Marvel movies?” Zander asked.

“Yeah, I’ve seen them all. I’ve also got a few comics at home,” Freddie responded as he looked down at the comics spread out of the table. “I have all of the Spider-man ones, a couple Hulk ones, and one Thor.”

Zander’s eyes lit up at that because he also collected comics. “Really!? I‘m trying to collect as many as I can. My dad tries to pick me up some when he’s at the comic store and sometimes surprises me with limited edition ones that he’s gotten online and stuff.”

“That is so cool!” Freddie slid a Spider-man comic towards himself just to take a look. “Are these all yours?”

“Yeah, they’re mine. I like to come here and read. It’s a whole lot quieter,” Zander said and laughed a little. “I actually just moved here two weeks ago. My dad just had a bad divorce, so it’s nice to come here for some peace and quiet. I’m just so used to all of the yelling.”

“Welcome to Bromley, mate!” Freddie said and smiled. “I’ve lived here with my dad for seven years. I used to live in America with my mom but made the tough decision to move here with my dad.”

“What part of America?” Zander asked.

“California,” Freddie responded.

“I‘m from New York.” Zander grinned when Freddie’s eyes widened.

“What!? You’re from America too? How cool is that?” Freddie was tickled by that idea, which made his interest grow. “How old are you?”

“I’m eleven. What about you?” Zander turned the question.

“Just turned sixteen in January!” Freddie opened his laptop just to get it started so he wasn’t completely thrown off track of what he came there to do.

“You’re a January baby? I’m a September baby,” Zander said as he began to organize his comics into a neat stack. “What date of January?”

His screen loaded up and it instructed him to slide his library card into the laptop to log him in to his library account. “The twenty-first. What about you? What date of September?”

“The seventeenth. I was a week late,” Zander informed him. “What are you doing?”

Freddie grabbed his library card from his backpack and slid it into the device before it was logging him in. “I have a history project that I have to do and if I don’t get started on it my dad will lecture me.” He clicked on the Chrome icon and started to look up _The Treaty of Paris._ “It’s this project we have to do that’s basically our final grade, so if I get a bad grade then basically I’ve failed History because I’m already struggling.”

“Hey, my history class is doing a project too!” Zander stood up and bounced over to the seat next to Freddie. “The Treaty of Paris?”

“Yeah, we have a theme we go by, which is Conflict and Compromise,” Freddie explained briefly and then grabbed his history binder from his backpack and sat it down on the table. “I have to finish my thesis statement first.”

“Oh, I know what a thesis statement is!” Zander’s eyes watched closely as Freddie pulled the sheet of paper out that had ‘Thesis Statement’ written at the top with the theme. “I have to make a PowerPoint about a significant person of history, so I’m doing Winston Churchill.”

“Oh okay, that’s cool! I get to choose whether I want to do a paper, exhibit, or a website. An exhibit sounds a lot easier and more fun rather than the other options, so I think I’m probably going to do an exhibit,” Freddie said.

“Oh! Can I help you when you get to the exhibit part!? I love doing art stuff!” Zander was nearly bouncing in his seat, which made Freddie chuckle.

“Yeah, you can help me,” he said.

Zander punched the air, feeling pretty excited that he gets to help someone with a creative project. “What’s your number so I can put it in my phone?” He asked as he pulled his phone out of the pocket of his black jeans.

“Here, I’ll type it in.” Freddie held his hand out until Zander placed the phone into his palm. Freddie quickly tapped in his number and then handed it back to the young boy. “I already sent a text so that I have your number.”

“You know, you’re really cool. I haven’t been able to make a friend since I got here,” Zander admitted and smiled when Freddie turned to him.

“Really?” And Zander nodded in response. “Well, I’m glad I could be your first friend.” He patted the boy’s back before tending to the work in front of him. “Say, what’s your last name?”

“Malik,” Zander said, watching Freddie scribble down some words for his thesis. “What about yours?”

“Tomlinson.”

•••

The sound of Freddie’s car beeping as he locked it sounded through the quiet neighborhood as he walked up to his house. It was nearly six, which was right on time for dinner as he stepped through the door to smell the lasagna that Louis had just pulled out of the oven.

“Hey, dad,” Freddie greeted his father as he dropped his bag off on the couch and walked into the large, grand kitchen. 

“Hey, buddy,” Louis responded while looking for something to cut the lasagna with. “How was school and the library?”

“It was good. I got a lot of work done,” Freddie said as he grabbed two plates from the cupboard. “I finished my thesis statement for my project, so that will be on time. I also did those two missing worksheets.”

“Did you start your citations too? Those are due this Friday,” Louis said, finally finding a proper spatula to cut and dish the lasagna.

“Yeah, I started those. I think we have to have ten by Friday.” Freddie placed the plates down next to where Louis was as he watched his father cut the lasagna and dished it out onto the white fine China. “I also made a new friend today.”

“Oh yeah?” Louis mumbled. “And who might that be?” He set the spatula down after he was finished dishing each of them a slice. “Can you take the plates over to the dining table? I’m going to grab a drink.”

Freddie grabbed the two plates and carried them to the table, setting them down in front of where they sit. Louis opened the stainless steel refrigerator and grabbed a beer out of it.“His name is Zander. He’s a few years younger than me, but he seems pretty cool. I met him at the libr—“

“Zander?” Louis cut him off. 

Freddie turned to face his dad. “Yeah, Zan—“ But then he noticed a certain look on his father’s face. His eyes were hard and his jaw was clenched. “You okay, dad?”

“What’s his last name?” Louis asked, his tone a bit bitter. 

“Why does his last name matter?” Freddie asked. 

Louis placed the top of the beer bottle against the counter and then smacked his hand down on the top really hard until the cap popped off and landed on the floor. “What’s his last name?” He asked again as he reached down to grab the bottle cap. 

“I think it started with an ‘M’,” Freddie said as he began to really think about it. It was right on the tip of his tongue!

“Malik.”

“Yeah, that’s it!” Freddie exclaimed as his father took a swig of his beer. “Wait, how did you—“

“Doesn’t matter. Don’t be friends with him,” Louis said as he walked over to the table and sat down.

“What?” Freddie was taken back by his response. “Why can’t I be friends with him? How come you get to decide who I’m friends with?”

Louis sent him a glare as he picked his fork up. “Because I told you not to.”

“And why not? There’s a specific reason,” Freddie pushed because honestly, who does he think he is determining who he should and should not be friends with? He hasn’t even met the boy and he’s already saying not to be friends with him. 

“Of course there’s a specific reason and I’m not telling you what it is,” Louis said as he scooped up some of the lasagna onto his fork. “And if you continue to be friends with him you’ll be grounded for as long as you’re friends with him.”

“Now you’re being petty. Just tell me why,” Freddie insisted. 

“Eat your food, Freddie,” Louis said, ignoring his son’s constant question of ‘why’. He doesn’t need to know why. That’s that. End of story. 

“No.” 

Louis quirked an eyebrow at him. 

“I’m not going to eat until you tell me.”

Louis snorted before eating another forkful of food. “Guess you’ll starve.” He smirked as Freddie continued to sit there and stare at him. “And if you continue to sit there and stare at me I’ll inform Mrs. Mallory that you need more work to do.”

“She won’t do that,” Freddie said. 

Louis was quite amused because the poor boy has no idea the power a parent has. “Try me.” 

Freddie started to laugh but Louis wasn’t. 

“I’m not kidding. I can email her right now to double your citations for this Friday,” Louis threatened and that had Freddie immediately pressing his lips shut and picking up his fork. “Mhm, that’s what I thought...”

“Okay, but can you like, tell me? I’m just not going to tell the boy that I can’t be friends with him without a reason because then I look like the ass—“

“Hey!” Louis barked, cutting him off before he could say it.

“Sorry!” Freddie quickly apologized. “What I meant was, I don’t want to look like a jerk.”

“Freddie, I don’t care what you tell the boy. I don’t want you being friends with him and that’s final! If you continue to argue with me, that phone of yours becomes mine. So I suggest you quit pestering me with ‘why’ and just do as I tell you,” Louis scolded him. 

Freddie sighed and pushed his food around the plate, painting the white plate red with the tomato sauce. 

“And quit playing with your food and eat it,” Louis demanded as he finished up. “And when you finish, please take the trash out. I told you to do that last night but it never got done.” Louis stood up from the table, leaving his son alone as he walked over to the sink to rinse his plate off. 

“Yes, sir,” Freddie grumbled. 

“And let me see what you got done for history class today,” Louis said, placing his plate in the dishwasher. 

“But I already told you what I got done. I got the two missing worksheets done, finished my thesis, and started my citations,” Freddie explained but Louis shook his head because no, he wanted to see it with his own eyes. 

“I want to see it, Freddie. Now where’s your binder?” Louis left the kitchen for a brief moment but then came back with Freddie’s backpack. He sat it down on the table and unzipped it to pull the black binder out. Freddie watched as his dad flipped through the stuff. “Where’s your citations?”

“I said I started them. They’re on the computer,” Freddie said. 

Louis hummed in response, closing the binder and putting it back in his bag. “I expect you to have them done by Friday. If they’re not turned in Friday, you and I are going to have a long talk.“

Freddie sighed. “Dad, I’m getting them done. They’ll be turned in, I promise.”

“Alright, take your bag upstairs when you’ve finished taking the trash out. I don’t need it lying around the house,” Louis said and left the kitchen. 

Louis hasn’t been the same since his break-up seven years ago. It’s hard to go from ‘having someone by your side 24/7’ to ‘having no one’ in an instant. Dating wasn’t much of a success as he’s been dating for the last couple months with no luck. The only thing to keep him busy is his job: songwriting and producing music. The band and solo career was a time to look back on. But it’s finally time for him to take it easy as he’s getting older. Being forty years-old, a single father, and practically depressed was honestly doing him in. The only thing he really looked forward to everyday is seeing his son walk through the front door after school and just seeing him. Freddie was the only thing keeping him going at this point. If it wasn’t for his son, who knows where he would be today. 

Louis climbed the steps to his bedroom and slammed the door shut, causing Freddie to jolt in his seat downstairs. His dad used to be so cool, always joking around and teaching him football. It was much simpler times. But now he’s just watching his dad go down hill. He’s not the same ‘Louis Tomlinson’ that everyone thinks of when they hear his name: energetic; obnoxious; sassy; humorous. All of that practically went down the drain seven years ago.

Freddie finished up his dinner and even took the trash out this time like his dad had asked him to. He grabbed his backpack and took it upstairs to his bedroom, tossing it onto his bed before walking over to his dad’s room. He pressed his ear against the door to listen for any sound but he didn’t hear anything, so he landed a gentle knock against the white wood of the door. 

“Dad?”

Louis cleared his throat before saying ‘come in.’ 

Freddie opened the door and saw his dad just sitting in the middle of his large bed in the middle of his large room. He feels like it’s probably too much space for his dad. He’s suggested moving to a smaller house but Louis refuses. 

“You alright?” Freddie asked, stepping into his room. 

Louis nodded before leaning back against the pillows to stare up at the ceiling. “Just have a lot of shit going on up here,” he said, pointing to his head. “I can’t seem to get shit straight.”

Freddie walked over and crawled onto the bed to sit beside his dad. “How did your date go the other night?” He looked over to see the look on his dad’s face and it wasn’t pleasant, so he already assumed it didn’t go so well. 

“Don’t get me wrong, the woman was beautiful and young. I just—“ He sighed. “I just couldn’t feel that attraction. I haven’t been able to feel anything lately. I’ve been on three dates with her already and I feel terrible because...I don’t feel anything. And I know this is T-M-I, but my sex-drive isn’t even there anymore.”

“Maybe you’re not attracted to women,” Freddie said. 

Louis sat silent, staring up at the ceiling. He was actually thinking about it but shook the thought out of his head. “No, that’s not it...”

“Explore a little bit. Maybe a woman isn’t what you want and that’s okay,” Freddie said. “It doesn’t hurt to explore.”

“So my son is explaining to me that I might actually be gay,” Louis said to the ceiling before turning his head to look at Freddie. “Is that it?”

“I don’t know.” Freddie shrugged. “Could be. Things change sometimes.”

“Alright, enough out of you, go get ready for bed,” Louis said, nudging Freddie with his elbow. “When’s your next footie practice?”

“Uhh...Wednesday, I think.” He got out of the bed and went for the door. 

“You think?” Louis quizzed with a raised eyebrow, watching the boy open the door.

Freddie looked over his shoulder to see his dad looking at him. “It’s Wednesday, dad.”

Louis hummed and looked back up at the ceiling. “Make sure you attend that one since you missed last weeks because you were sick.”

“I’ll make sure I’m there, dad. Good night.” And then he shut the door behind him as he left off to his own bedroom to prepare himself for bed. 


	2. Chapter Two

The loud sound of a binder being smacked down onto the table was enough to make Zander leap out of his seat and quickly looking up to see Freddie. He fixed his new glasses on his face as Freddie took a seat across the table.

“My dad told me I couldn’t be friends with you,” Freddie said, opening his binder and pulling out his history fair work. “But frankly, I don’t give a shit.”

Zander released a small laugh because wow, his dad was right. “My dad thought your dad would say that. I don’t know why though.”

Freddie shrugged because he could really care less. “I don’t care. I can be friends with whoever I choose to be friends with. Right?” He pulled a pen out and clicked it open before opening his laptop and shoving his library card into it.

“My dad won’t tell me why.” Zander watched as Freddie typed something into the computer really quick, possibly googling _The Treaty of Paris._

Freddie snorted. “Mine either. He even threatened to tell my history teacher to double my work if I kept asking why.” He rolled his eyes at the sound of his dad in his head. Sometimes he can be a bit annoying. But that’s most parents in some cases.

Zander made a ‘hmph’ sound. “It appears that our dad’s have some beef.”

“It appears so,” Freddie agreed, looking up at Zander from his computer.

While Freddie spent his time at the library, Louis was spending his day off on a dating website. It was honestly his last resort and his lowest of lows. He actually took what Freddie said last night into consideration, choosing the option for the website to look for gay men. The website loaded up once his profile was finished and submitted and there were a lot of men looking for men.

He just clicked on a couple profiles and read through their interests and what they’re looking for. And if he’s honest, he felt a little weird about it. There was a man that looked a bit like someone he knew and it sparked something inside him that he wasn’t sure of. The man had dark hair, dark eyes, and a few tattoos on his tan skin. He appeared to be pretty fit. His name was Damian.

Louis groaned and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and rubbed them. “Fucking hell, I can’t do this!” He slammed the lid of the laptop shut and stood up from the couch. The frustration was building. Maybe he should just try it out? He looked back at the laptop, his heart pounding in his chest as the anxiety increased. Just try it out and see where it goes.

He opened the lid back up and pressed the space key to wake the computer up. The screen came back and it was still on the man’s profile. ‘Just do it, Louis’ he mentally told himself. What does he have to lose? He no longer has the media’s attention, so it’s not like they’ll really notice, would they? It can be on the down-low and no one doesn’t have to know, not even Freddie.

Louis was tired of overthinking, so he just forced himself to send the man a message because, well, fuck it. He exited the website and closed the top. He picked up his phone from the coffee table and checked the time, but that had him cursing under his breath. He should be on his way to his appointment with his therapist right now.

Louis jumped up from the couch and rushed to the front door, but not forgetting to snatch his keys from the key rack hung on the wall by the door. He rushed out and locked the door behind him before scrambling to get in his car. He’s been late to these damn appointments for three weeks straight, every Tuesday in the late afternoon.

He made it to the appointment five minutes late and Ms. Leslie popped her head out of the doorway of her room when she heard Louis’ voice speaking to the front desk.

“Come on back, Louis!” She said, beckoning him over. He entered the room and she shut the door, directing him to the olive green couch. He sat down and slouched slightly, not really in the mood today to be talking. “How are you, Louis?” She asked as she took a seat in the chair that was on the opposite side of the coffee table between them.

“I’m alright,” he simply said.

Ms. Leslie smiled, her green eyes trying to read the man before her. “Just alright?”

“Yeah, just alright,” he repeated.

“You appear to be tired. Long work days? Long days in general?” She asked.

He just shrugged and he knew that wasn’t helping much in today’s session. “I—“ He pressed his lips shut and directed his eyes down to the coffee table. “I  _am_ tired. I’m not tired because of work or anything. I’m just tired. I guess mentally exhausted is the way to go.”

“Okay. The last time we spoke, which was last Tuesday, you were in good spirits. So from the time you left this room last Tuesday to now, what changed? Did something happen unexpectedly? A specific event coming up that you may be anxious about? Or is it something that has happened internally rather than externally? What has changed since the last time we spoke, Louis?” Ms. Leslie sat properly in her chair with a neutral smile on her lips as she waited patiently for Louis to respond.

“There’s actually a couple things,” he mumbled, looking everywhere else in the room to avoid eye contact. She can’t see that’s he’s practically crumbling on the inside. “I’ve been dating for the last few months. I’m dating this woman, her name is Hailey. She’s a very stunning lady with a great personality. She’s also a bit younger than I am, maybe a five or six year difference? Anyway, I’ve been on three dates with her. I haven’t felt anything, not a single thing. I don’t have the urge to kiss her, touch her, or get her in bed. I feel literally nothing. I look at women and I just don’t feel anything anymore. My son has come to the conclusion that I’m actually gay, but I just—“

He stopped himself from speaking and pursed his lips shut. He’s giving out too much information this time.

“Can you look at a man and feel an attraction?” She asked.

“And that’s the thing. I took to a dating website today. I thought about what my son said, so I thought I should try. He said things can change and it doesn’t hurt to explore. I went on the website and chose men as my preference. And then I saw this guy on there. He had dark features, tattoos, and was just a little bit younger than me, maybe by three years? I actually—I felt something. It was that feeling I’ve been wanting to feel for Hailey but just haven’t,” he continued to explain and his stomach began to twist. “So I sent him a message...”

“That’s okay, Louis. Maybe you’re more into men rather than women and that is totally fine, so don’t feel guilty,” she said.

“And what do I tell Hailey? I’m confused? That I’m more interested in dating a man rather than her?” He asked and snorted. “Because that’ll go over real well.”

“Explain to her that you’re still deciding on what you want, not that you’re confused. You’re trying to explore and figure out what you want, and I don’t think anybody should feel guilty of that. You’re trying to do what’s best for you,” she said.

Louis leaned forward to prop his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands. “I think my second issue is a lot more problematic than the first...”

“Do tell.” Ms. Leslie crossed her right leg over her left and relaxed in her chair.

“So basically...uh...an old fri—we used to be friends. Best friends, actually. We got into a bit of a tiff a few years back when I was in the band and he decided to leave. I was there for him all the time, _all_ the damn time. I tried for him in the band but he just—I don’t know. I feel like maybe it was my fault he left the band. It’s stupid. He wasn’t enjoying his time in the band and did what was best for him, so he left. I respect that.

“But I almost blame myself because I feel like I should’ve done something to make him feel more comfortable. I feel like I wasn’t really there for him because his health was declining further. I should’ve spoken up more on his behalf. I mean, he enjoyed the band for a while but he started on a decline. But anyway, things were said behind closed doors and even on Twitter where everyone could see, which was a bit humiliating. Let’s just say I’m not very good at biting me tongue. And I may act like I have this hard exterior, but the truth is, that hard exterior can be penetrated quite easily. I cried. I was hurt. He hurt me. I’m sure I hurt him too, but I felt like our friendship was all for nothing. It was thrown away so easily, and I’m sure that was partly my fault.”

“And what about all of this is affecting you? What happened?” She asked.

“Zayn, he—his son and him moved to the area. He lives here now. His son talks to my son at the local library,” Louis said and he could feel the familiar dull ache in his chest that he felt when he read the long paragraph Zayn sent to him after the Twitter fight. It was a message that really tore him at the seams. It was basically a big ‘fuck you’ message. He was always there for Zayn and supported him on everything, but in the end all he got in return was a ‘fuck you’.

Anger began to arise in his body all while his stomach flip-flopped, making him feel sick to his stomach as his blood pumped harder.

“And that makes you angry, uncomfortable, depressed...?”

“You know, I did so much shit for him and I got nothing in return. Nothing! I didn’t ask that man for anything but his friendship and I got screwed over in the end. How is that fair to me!? And that fucking guy on the damn website looks almost like him, all of the dark features and tattoos.

“And I could see Zayn literally anywhere, we can run into each other. So what the hell do I say!? I’m going to be honest, he has tried to make amends, but I refuse because I’m not going to get hurt again. He’s pushed me away once and I’m not going to allow it to happen a second time. I’m not going to do that to myself. That’s like looking to your left and seeing a bus and just stepping out into the street anyway! I refuse to get hurt again!” Louis rambled on and on, and Ms. Leslie just allowed him. The pent up anger and frustration was finally being released at its maximum. Sure enough everyone else can hear him outside of the office. But eventually the sadness and hurt was washing over him, replacing the anger. The tears were flowing this time.

“I w-would have given that man a k-kidney if he asked for it! I-I tried so hard f-for him! I wanted to be that shoulder f-for him to cry on and expected n-nothing in return! A-And he put me out th-there for everyone t-to see! I f-felt like I was stabbed in the b-back!”

Ms. Leslie leaned forward and grabbed the box of tissues off the coffee table, holding them out to Louis. He looked up and saw her holding them out, so he took a tissue. “He congratulated m-me on my first solo performance. He DMed me on Instagram t-to congratulate m-me upon having a child. It makes me l-look like the asshole! I d-didn’t ever give up on h-him but he gave up on m-me, and then h-he wants to make things r-right? Too much w-was said. I c-can’t do that to m-myself. And I h-hate him for m-making me feel this way!”

Ms. Leslie allowed him to continue crying because it was obvious that all of the emotions he was expressing was pent up inside of him for far too long. He was hunched over bawling his eyes out, occasionally wiping his nose with the tissue. That dull ache was now piercing him like a blunt dagger through the heart and his body was giving into it as every sob wracked through him.

“God,” he chuckled through his tears, “I haven’t been able to really cry like this for years. It’s h-hard trying to be s-strong for others. I could n-never let me son see m-me like this.”

“Does it make you feel vulnerable or weak?” Ms. Leslie asked.

Louis nodded, resting his forehead in his left hand while his free hand wiped his nose with the tissue. “To release my feelings, I just yell. I yell at my son. I shouldn’t be, but I just get so frustrated so easily. My patience is a whole lot slimmer than it used to be. I’m sure he thinks I’m an asshole.”

“Maybe you need to sit down with your son and talk to him about what’s going on. From what I hear, your son can be understanding and supportive. So what are you afraid of?” Ms. Leslie questioned.

“I’m depressed and he sees it, so I feel vulnerable enough. I just can’t stand the thought of my son possibly thinking of me as fragile or weak,” Louis explained, finally sitting up so his back was pressed against the couch.

“And what makes you think he will think of you as ‘fragile’ or ‘weak’?”

Louis shrugged and shook his head. “I’m his dad. I _have_ to be strong. I can’t be breaking down in front of him because then there’s something wrong with dad. I know he worries about me enough, so I don’t want to put the weight of my issues on him. He’s already struggling in school. I just can’t do that to him.”

Ms. Leslie hummed in response, nodding her head in understanding. “Have you tried journaling? I mentioned this three weeks ago, if you remember.”

And Louis remembered. He actually considered it but never found the time to do so. He bought a notebook and a pack of ink pens, but it’s been sitting in his nightstand since he bought the damn things. “Yeah, I remember. I’ll look into it...”

He checked the time on the clock over the door and saw that it was the end of their session, which had him sighing because now he had to leave the office with puffy, red eyes and flushed cheeks. He was sure that he looked like an emotional wreck.

“It appears our session has ended,” Ms. Leslie said and stood up when Louis did.

“Yeah, I need to get to the store and back home to have dinner prepared for when Freddie gets home,” he said as he dug into his pockets for his car keys.

“Alright, Louis, I’ll see you next Tuesday. And be sure to look into journaling. It could help express your emotions on paper,” she said and opened the door for him.

“I will,” he mumbled and left, making sure to keep his head down so no one in the lounge would see that he was just crying. He could practically feel everybody’s eyes burning into the back of his head as he pushed the door open and left.

He climbed into his car and shut the door before just allowing his forehead to rest against the leather steering wheel. It may have felt good to release all of the pent up emotions but he felt drained. Comes to show how much it’s been weighing on him.

Louis released a few deep breaths to relax himself before he finally decided to sit back against the seat and start the car up. He had an hour before Freddie gets home. He pulled out of the lot and drove over to same shop he went to just yesterday. His eyes were still red, but he figured people would take it as allergies rather than the fact that he just bawled his eyes out in front of his therapist just ten minutes ago.

He entered the shop, not even bothering to grab a cart since he only needed dinner for tonight. He couldn’t really decide on what he wanted for dinner exactly, but his legs took him over to the freezer section. But just as he turned the corner his legs came to an abrupt stop and he swore his heart did too.

“Louis?”

There he was, standing right before his eyes with a cart that had a couple of items in the basket. Louis knew he was going to bump into him eventually. How could he avoid him, exactly? His body flipped through the plethora of negative emotions like the wheel of fortune, but unfortunately, it landed on ‘anger’.

“Have you been crying?”

Louis clenched his jaw and just turned on his heel to walk away because if he says anything, it’s not going to be very nice. He could hear him following behind with his cart.

“Louis, wait! Can we talk!?”

Louis whipped around and grabbed the end of Zayn’s cart, forcing him back into an aisle that was empty of any bystanders. “No, we can’t talk! And you know why? Because I don’t fucking want to because you’re a backstabber!” He spat before letting the cart go.

“Backstabber!?” Zayn was actually taken back by that.

“Screw off! Acting like you don’t know!” Louis went to walk away but Zayn gripped Louis’ wrist.

“Louis—“

“Keep your hands off me!” Louis yanked his hand back. “Don’t  _ever_ touch me!”

“It’s been sixteen years, Louis! How could you possibly still be upset over something that happened over a decade ago?” Zayn said.

Louis actually laughed, because seriously? “You don’t fucking get it, do you?” He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “You made me look like an asshole! You made me feel like I wasted so many years of being your best mate. Instead, you decided to defend the pig who insulted ‘your best mate’ and you decided to attack me with a fucking Mean Girl’s quote. But not only that, I receive the shittiest text message from you basically telling me that all of those years that we were friends was a fucking waste. Oh! And to go fuck myself! So you can go fuck yourself too.” And with that, Louis turned on his heel and stormed out of the shop empty-handed before Zayn could holler after him.

But Zayn just stood there in the empty aisle. He was speechless. Louis was actually still upset. He figured he would be over something like that at least by now, but it was very clear that he wasn’t. Zayn sighed, running a hand through his raven black hair. Louis is very stubborn, so it’s not going to be easy to get through to him. But there’s only one person that can:

Louis’ son.

It wasn’t long after Louis when Freddie arrived home. Louis was pacing the kitchen while trying to calm himself down, but the anger was building up inside of him. He knows Freddie is still talking to that kid. He just fucking knows it.

Freddie walked through the front door and realized that it was oddly quiet in the house. He set his bag by the stairs so he wouldn’t forget to take it up for when he goes and walked over to the kitchen is search of his dad.

“Dad, you home?”

He entered the kitchen and found his dad leaning against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest. He couldn’t help but notice that his dad looked a little bit paler than usual but also that his eyes were red, like he had been crying. He’s never seen his dad cry, at least not in front of him.

“Dad? Are you okay?”

“Are you still talking to that kid?” Louis asked, his voice hard and stern.

“Why? What’s going—“

“Yes or no, Freddie!” Louis barked.

“No, I’m not!” Freddie lied. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing. Don’t talk to the kid. I don’t need you getting involved in any of this bullshit,” Louis said as he shoved away from the counter to open the refrigerator. He couldn’t stand to be in the same shop as Zayn, so he had to leave empty-handed, which means he bought nothing for dinner.

“Involved in what, dad? I’m literally in the dark in all of this and I don’t think it’s fair,” Freddie said.

Louis was trying his best not to yell, he really was. “Nothing, Freddie. Just do as you’re told.” 

Freddie couldn’t understand his father. He could never read him even if he tried. He felt that he lost his best friend. His dad and him were best friends a while back, but all they ever do now is butt heads constantly. It’s honestly one of Freddie’s concerns that keeps him unfocused at school, knowing he would come home and get into some sort of argument with his dad.

“You know, whatever it is, I think you should take it up with your therapist. You’re saying you don’t want me involved but you’re literally forbidding me from talking to this kid for some specific reason. It sounds more like a personal problem,” and Freddie was bitter about it. But did he care? Not really. He has a right to know what’s going on.

Louis stopped and stared into the refrigerator while Freddie stared at the back of his head. Freddie knew that struck a cord, but he continued anyway.

“And whatever beef you have with Zander’s dad shouldn’t determine my friendship with Zander. And just so you know, his dad just went through a really bad divorce and I’m sure it’s affecting Zander, so I’m not going to tell the kid that we can’t be friends because my dad is petty.”

Louis’ hand tightened around the door of the refrigerator as he tried to suppress his anger. His son had no idea and he’s not going to act like he does.

“Do you hear how crazy you sound, dad? You’re putting your own issues on—“

“Enough!” Louis finally snapped and slammed the refrigerator shut before turning to Freddie. Freddie saw that his dad looked like he was on the verge of a meltdown.

“Am I wrong?” Freddie continued. “If you wouldn’t have said anything then I wouldn’t be—“

“I said enough! I don’t want to argue about it anymore!” Louis shouted.

Freddie stood there and stared at him like he had lost his mind. This man literally started it the second he walked into the kitchen. “You literally started it as soon as I—“

“Go to your room, now! I just told you to stop and you want to continue!”

“But—“

“Don’t make me count to three!”

Freddie threw his hands in the air before turning to head for the steps. His annoyance was at its max. “He acts like I’m fucking five and oblivious,” he mumbled under his breath as he snatched up his bag and began to climb the steps, but Louis heard him.

“Do I need to take your phone away!?” Louis called up to him.

“No, sir!” Freddie responded respectfully but slammed his door shut so hard it shook the walls of the house. “Fucking forty years-old and can’t get his shit together,” he grumbled and plopped down onto his bed.

Louis could hear his blood pumping through his veins, so he took a seat on the couch in the living room to decompress. His eyes caught sight of his computer on the coffee table and debated on whether he should check his profile or not. He leaned forward and reached out, grabbing the laptop. He opened the lid and woke the computer up before typing in the website. It was already logged in since he chose the ‘remember me’ option and saw that his inbox had a message.

He clicked on it and sure enough, it was Damian responding back to his message. It was just a simple ‘hey’ in response. Louis isn’t very good at the whole conversation starting thing like he used to be. He’s become just a little awkward since he isolated himself from anything and everything social since his break-up.

Just thinking about her made his heart wrench. He was for sure he was going to marry her. He was sure of it. He was even ready to propose but the ring sits in his nightstand now.

He tapped in a simple conversation starter and sent it before clicking back to the man’s profile to scroll through it one more time. The man was interested in art and music. His hobbies were photography, hiking, and writing. He’s looking for a man that is loyal, responsible, and has a sense of humor. But one thing made Louis roll his eyes because who says this? ‘Sex on the first date is cool’ was written in his bio. He didn’t notice that earlier when he looked. But maybe that isn’t so bad. He would hate to ‘experiment’ on the guy, just feel things out. Who knows, maybe it’ll work out.

The man was probably online when Louis messaged him back because another notification came in from Damian.

“It doesn’t hurt to explore,” Louis whispered to himself as he responded back.


	3. Chapter Three

Freddie mumbled out the words to a tune that was playing on the radio as he entered the lot of the library, also noticing that it’s just a little bit more packed than usual. Some event must be going on. He pulled into a parking space and opened the door to check if he parked straight or not, and he did. He’s getting better. 

He shut the car off and unbuckled himself, grabbing his bag and exiting his car. He looked both ways before jogging across the street to get to the stairs leading up to the entrance of the library, but just as he was climbing the steps, he heard a vehicle pulling up.

He looked back just to see who it was but saw Zander getting out of the passenger side of the car. Zander spotted Freddie and waved at him. Freddie smiled and walked down the few steps he had climbed to meet up with Zander while the boy grabbed what appeared to be a stack of new comics from the floorboard, along with his backpack.

“Hey, Freddie!” Zander greeted him once he approached.

“Hey, Zander. Brought some new comic books to read this time?” Freddie commented.

“Yep!”

Freddie peeked into the car to see Zander’s dad sitting there. He noticed that the man looked a bit down. It wouldn’t hurt to say hello. “Good afternoon, Mr. Malik,” Freddie greeted him respectfully and sent him a small wave.

“Good afternoon, Freddie,” Zayn said back and smiled. He couldn’t help but notice how alike Louis and Freddie looked. The only difference between them was the hair. Freddie was blonde and Louis was a brunette.

“Alright, bye, dad! I’ll see you in an hour,” Zander told his dad before shutting the door to the car.

Freddie and Zander started up the steps while Zayn sat there in the car, looking down at the piece of napkin that had his number written down on it that he was going to give Louis himself if he bumped into him again. He looked up and watched Freddie joking around with Zander about something as they laughed. 

Zayn rolled down the window before calling after Freddie. The blonde looked back.

“Yes, sir?” He responded.

“Come here,” Zayn said and Freddie approached the car.

“What’s up?”

“How’s your dad?” Zayn asked.

Freddie shrugged, not really knowing how to answer that. “He’s hanging in there, I guess. Why?”

“I ran into him at the shop yesterday. He didn’t look so good. It looks that he’s going through a tough time,” Zayn said. He honestly felt bad because he felt as if he was prying.

“He actually went through a bad break-up seven years-ago and it really took a toll on him, so he just hasn’t been the same since,” Freddie revealed, and he probably shouldn’t have, but he gets this feeling that Mr. Malik and his dad were probably pretty close.

“Oh,” Zayn mumbled, and he already knew about the break-up, but he didn’t think it was that serious. “Well, can you give this to him?” Zayn reached down and grabbed the napkin, handing it out to Freddie. “Just tell him that if he needs someone to just call the number on it. He’ll probably recognize it, so just make sure he doesn’t throw it away.”

Freddie took the napkin and saw that it was a phone number written down in black sharpie. “Yeah, I can do that.”

“Thank you, Freddie,” Zayn said and smiled thoughtfully. “You look so much like your father.”

And that’s not the first time Freddie has heard that. “So I’ve been told a million times,” he joked. “You take care, Mr. Malik.”

And with that, Freddie caught up with Zander and they entered the library, the door slowly shutting behind them while Zayn just sat in his car. He was glad to have finally met Freddie in person. He only got to see him in pictures. He wishes he would have been in the boy’s life. Freddie is so much like his father, the looks and personality.

Although, seeing Louis at a bad time yesterday, he was actually glad to have bumped into him. It was nice to hear his voice after so many years. But not only to hear his voice, but to see his face. Louis looked good in what he was wearing yesterday: a pollo and jeans. His hair was still long too, but he had it brushed up rather than flat. Zayn also noticed the silver hair that mixed in with Louis’ facial hair and the hair on his head. It mixed well, making him look a lot more attractive than he already was. Zayn just dyes his hair whenever the silver begins to show through.

The longer Zayn sat and thought about Louis, the more he pitied the man. The poor man hasn’t been the same since his break-up. Zayn remembers hearing about the break-up all over the press. He even remembers her name, Lindsey. Louis was with her for three years and it came out that she cheated on him. Zayn was livid the moment he found out.

Zayn just wished he could have a moment with Louis, just to sit down and talk things through. He knows he has a lot of explaining to do with Louis. He just wants things to be okay and to wrap his arms around him. He’s probably asking for a little too much. And maybe it wasn’t right to have Freddie give Louis his number, but how much worse can it really get? But just seeing that Louis was crying yesterday broke his heart into a million pieces. Seeing Louis unhappy made _him_ unhappy, and he would love to be the one to make Louis smile again. And the truth is, he has feelings for Louis.

Meanwhile, Louis was just getting off work. He was a bit of a jittery mess because he had a planned date tonight that he was quite excited for.

Louis opened the door to his car and got in before pulling his phone out to send a quick text to Freddie, basically telling him that he has a date tonight and there’s money on the counter for him to order pizza for dinner. Freddie has football practice this evening after he goes to the library, so he probably won’t be home until later.

He shoved the key into the ignition and started up the car, looking in the rearview mirror to make sure no other car was behind him. It was clear, so he backed out of his parking space and began towards the pub that him and his date agreed upon.

Just as he arrived, he parked the car and pulled the key out. He made sure to check his hair in the mirror, combing any loose hairs back into place. He didn’t look too bad. A black button-up, black jeans, and a pair of dress shoes. His stomach was already in knots by the anxiety he was feeling. He definitely needs a couple drinks in him to calm his nerves.

Louis got out of the car and locked it with the handheld fob, the loud ‘beep’ echoing, and then he was making his way to the entrance of the pub. He pulled the door open and stepped over the threshold. It was a bit chilly, almost like the pub had cranked up the air conditioning, but he wasn’t too sure since he gets cold quite easily. His blue eyes scanned the pub in search of his date as he made his way over to the bar, but luckily enough for him, he didn’t have to do much of a search when he found his date sitting at the bar.

“Damian?”

The man turned his head and it was definitely Damian. He smiled as he looked Louis up and down. “Hey, Lou! You look even hotter in person,” and then sent Louis a wink.

“I just got off work and it’s been one hell of a day, so I’m glad I don’t look like a wreck,” Louis chuckled as he climbed onto a bar stool. Damian couldn’t stop looking at him, which caused Louis to be a little bit shy.

The bartender came around and stopped at Louis. “A gin and tonic, please,” Louis said and the bartender nodded before turning around to make his drink.

“So you’re a songwriter, huh?” Damian asked to start up a conversation.

“Yeah, and I also work in the recording studio a bit for new and upcoming artists,” Louis said, finally looking back at Damian. “I pretty much work on the down-low now.”

“I’m sure, as you were a member of that world-known boy band,” Damian said and chuckled. “I searched you. I knew you looked familiar.”

Louis pursed his lips shut and looked ahead because wow, okay then. He’s knows a lot more than Louis intended him to. “Yep. That’s me,” he mumbled.

Damian noticed the change in attitude and honestly felt bad for saying anything. “I didn’t mean to—“

“No, it’s okay,” Louis said, perking up because he doesn’t want anything dumb like that to get in the way of enjoying his night. So what if the guy looked him up? Not a big deal, really. He turned to Damian with a smile and Damian smiled back, but his eyes dropped to Louis’ lips and then back up to his blue eyes. It honestly made Louis feel a bit weird but at the same time it felt good.

The bartender sat Louis’ drink in front of him, Louis mumbling out a quick ‘thanks’. He took a sip of the alcoholic drink and couldn’t help but feel refreshed at the taste of the alcohol. “Anyway, what’s your job? You never specified in your profile.”

“A psychologist.”

Louis quickly looked over at him, his eyes looking the man up and down because really? He doesn’t look like he could be a doctor of any sorts. And a psychologist says ‘sex on the first date is cool’? The man looks like he belongs on the cover of GQ, not in a room listening to a patient’s issues and trying to determine their diagnosis.

“Do you not take me as a psychologist?” Damian asked with an amused grin on his beautiful face.

“No, I don’t, actually. More like a fashion icon for GQ to be exact,” Louis said and that made Damian chuckle again.

“Well, I’m not offended by that.” Damian watched as Louis’ hand gripped the glass of the gin and tonic and brought it up to his lips, taking a sip. He noticed a few tattoos that were fading on Louis’ hand. “You’ve got tattoos?”

Louis looked down at his hand and sprawled his fingers out to show the faded ‘28’ on his middle and ring finger. “Yeah. I’ve got this one and then I have tattoos covering my right arm and a few on my left. I’ve got one on me ass, too.”

“Wow!” Damian was quite amused. “What is it?”

“A penguin with headphones. It’s faded but still there. Sometimes I forget I have it,” Louis said and released a small laugh. Damian’s eyes sparked with interest when he heard Louis’ laugh. “It’s been a shock to the previous partners. It’s not the sexiest thing.”

“It’s definitely different.” Damian’s eyes kept traveling to different places on Louis’ face, making him feel a bit awkward, so Louis cleared his throat and looked away. Damian picked up his own drink and took a swig during their moment of silence.

“So...uh—I feel like I should inform you of this, but—uh...”

Louis couldn’t find the right words to say.

Damian turned his whole body to face Louis to show that he had his undivided attention. “Yeah?”

“I’ve never—You’re the first man I’ve ever gone on a date with. Literally last week I was dating a woman. So this is a _very_ new experience for me. I just thought it was important for you to know that,” Louis said, finally looking back at the man. He was expecting Damian to make a face but he just sat there on his stool, unfazed. “So yeah,” he mumbled out and took a larger swig of his drink this time around rather than a sip.

“That’s okay. It’s a first time for everyone,” Damian said, reaching a hand out to rub Louis’ back. “When I was a teen, I slept around with girls and whatnot. I didn’t enjoy it, I just thought it was the thing to do as I am a man. I was taught that I had to sleep with girls and girls only, that it was wrong to have feelings for a guy. But here I am today, knowing that isn’t true. I can love whoever I want to love.”

Louis smiled at his words. It made him feel a whole lot more comfortable and even made him come out of his shell a little bit. “I liked women, was even on the verge of proposing to one until I found her in my bed with some strange man. Ever since then, dating women for me hasn’t been the same. I don’t get the urges like I used to. But then my son told me the other night that I should explore because things can change, so here I am.”

Damian nodded in understanding. Louis is obviously a man still trying to figure things and he respected that. And if he can be the person to let Louis know that it’s okay and that it’s going to be okay, then he wants to be that person, even if he just met Louis.

They continued to chat and Louis began to loosen up the more he got to know Damian. They were really hitting it off. Louis had begun to feel the urges.

“Say, did you want to take a walk?” Damian asked.

Louis agreed and pulled his wallet out to pay for their drinks and the appetizer that they had ordered to snack on.

“Wait, what’re you doing?” Damian asked as Louis pulled his credit card out.

“Paying the bill,” Louis said.

“Oh no! You don’t have to do that, I’ve g—“

Louis shook his head when Damian tried to reach into his own pocket. “I’ve got it, darling,” Louis said as he handed the bartender his credit card. “I want to pay for you.”

Once Louis got his card back, they stood up from their chairs and made their way to the exit. The summer air felt warm the second they stepped foot outside. There was also a slight breeze. The sky was a mixture of pink and blue, and it was dark enough for the street lamps to come on.

They started down the pavement, holding a comfortable silence between them. Louis’ eyes scanned the town while Damian couldn’t help but watch Louis. He found that Louis was only but a couple inches smaller in height. Damian was only five-eleven. He also kind of believes Louis might be younger than forty because he definitely doesn’t look it. The only thing that might give it away is the silver hair. But other than that, Louis looks like he could be in his early thirties. Louis was extremely attractive. Damian definitely wouldn’t mind sex on the first date with this man.

“So you might like men, huh?” Damian started the subject back up again.

Louis turned his head to look at Damian. “I mean, I think so. All I can say is that none of the dates I’ve been on recently with women have felt like this. This? This is different. I’m enjoying myself and I’m attracted to you. I felt numb around the woman I was dating, Hailey. It felt like I was trying to force myself to be attracted to her and I would feel terrible every time because I knew I wasn’t attracted. So it’s been pretty much the same with every other woman.”

“Do you think maybe it’s a trust thing? Maybe your mind correlates women and cheating since your break-up. But not that they cheat! It’s just, your brain experienced trauma. Some people handle it differently. Your preferences changed. You know what I mean?” Damian explained.

Louis nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Yeah, I understand what you’re saying. Anything’s possible.” And then they dropped into another comfortable silence as they continued to walk, but it didn’t last long when Damian began to speak again.

“You said you had a son,” Damian said.

“Yeah, his name’s Freddie,” Louis said and smiled at the thought of his son.

“Was that the woman that chea—“

“Oh no!” Louis chuckled, shaking his head. “No, that’s not the woman. We were never together. We were friends. But one thing led to another and now we have Freddie. She lives over in America. He decided he wanted to live with me seven years ago.”

“How old is he?” The younger man asked.

“He‘s sixteen.”

Damian nodded. “Has he seen his mother since?”

“Of course! He sees her every summer and spends about a month there,” Louis explained. 

Damian hummed and looked over at Louis, and Louis could feel his stare so he looked back at the man. “Does your son know you’re on a date with a man?” Damian asked and he sounded serious.

Louis looked away to look down at his shoes as he walked along the pavement. “He knows I’m on a date, but he doesn’t know it’s not Hailey. I don’t think it would be much of a big deal to him, honestly because he’s the one that suggested I try this out.”

Damian was quite taken back by that, but he was impressed. “Your son pushed you to try dating a man?”

“Well, he didn’t push me to, he just suggested it. I definitely don’t regret it, though.” Louis looked back up at Damian with a smile. “I’m quite enjoying myself. But Freddie takes a big part in a lot of the decisions I make. He’s quite mature for his age.”

“He sounds like a good kid. You raised him well,” Damian said and reached a gentle hand out to Louis’ back.

“I’m not going to take all of the credit for that because his mother is a big part. But with the times he’s been with me, I think I’ve done a decent job. But sometimes I kick myself in the ass because I became distant, angry, and depressed after the break-up. My son was ten and I isolated myself a lot. He probably thinks of me as some asshole now. I’m just a grumpy man with a short circuit,” Louis continued and shook his head at himself as he thought of how much of a ‘shit dad’ he was. He’s sure Freddie regrets moving to England. “I don’t even remember the last time him and I did something as father and son. He’s learned to do a lot of things on his own while I was too selfish because of a bad break-up. It shows just how weak I am. I wouldn’t blame him if he aspired to be better than me.“

”Have you sat down and talked to him?” Damian asked.

Louis shook his head. “No, and I don’t plan to. He has better and more important things to worry about, such as his education. He’s already struggling in a few classes, especially history class.”

“I’m sure his dad is pretty important, especially his dad’s well-being and happiness. It can affect a child if they see that a parent is struggling. It could be hindering his focus,” Damian said and he sort of wanted to take it back because he knows Louis’ going to blame himself for his son’s struggle.

Louis exhaled a deep breath and looked down at his dull shoes. “So my son could be struggling because I’m struggling?” Louis questioned, and that was what Damian was afraid he was going to think, even though it’s the honest truth. Truth hurts sometimes.

“Possibly,” Damian said and he hated to say it. 

Louis went silent, only the sound of their surroundings and their shoes walking along the pavement. He could feel that dull numbness in his chest like he usually does on a daily basis, but he tried to force it back so it wouldn’t ruin his night with the attractive man. He felt like crying but he refused.

They walked in silence until they agreed to walk back to their vehicles. Damian regretted saying anything because it appeared it ruined Louis’ mood. He was genuinely worried about Louis, even though they just met today.

“Hey, sit in my car with me,” Damian said once they approached his car.

“Why?” Louis questioned.

“Just want to chat,” Damian said, unlocking his vehicle and opening up the passenger side for Louis. The blue-eyed man seemed just a bit uncomfortable but got in the car anyway. Damian shut the door and came around to his side to get in.

“We just chatted. What more do you want to chat about?” Louis wondered aloud.

Damian shut the car door before turning his body to face Louis. “I know we just met today, but what’s going on? I get this feeling that it’s much more than a break-up. You’re dealing with something else internally.”

And then Louis could feel that familiar lump in his throat. He didn’t want to say anything because he felt like once he opens his mouth he’ll just burst into tears. He leaned back against the seat and stared up at the ceiling of the car. His eyes were beginning to water.

Damian saw the glossiness of his eyes, so he just kept silent. Louis will speak when he’s ready. So they were silent for about five minutes before Louis released a breath of air.

“I wasn’t good enough,” Louis started but then the lump in his throat made a second appearance. “Is that why she cheated on me?”

Damian’s heart clenched, especially when Louis looked over at him, the look on his face. His eyes were pooling with tears while his bottom lip wobbled.

“You’re a psychologist. Tell me. Tell me why she cheated on me. Is it me? Is there something wrong with me?”

“Louis, I don’t know what her intentions were. I may be a psychologist but—“

Louis broke down into tears, quickly looking away from Damian. He didn’t need the man to see him in such a vulnerable state. “I’m s-sorry, I shouldn’t be c-crying in front of y-you. You’re my f-fucking date, not m-my therapist. I’m sorry.”

Damian reached across to rub Louis’ back to comfort him. It’s definitely an internal issue. A worth issue. Trust issues. “You’re okay, Louis...”

“I just—I should probably just leave,” Louis mumbled and went to open the door but Damian quickly locked them, causing Louis to look at him with a frown. “Why did you—“

“Have you ever kissed a man?”

Louis’ frown grew deeper, mixed with a bit of confusion. “No?”

“Kiss me,” Damian said.

Louis blinked at him as his brain was processing what the man had said. “Kiss you? You want me to kiss you?”

“Yes, kiss me,” he repeated.

Louis’ eyes scanned his face before landing on his lips last. Kiss him, huh? His lips looked a bit familiar, almost like they would belong on a certain someone. Just the thought of that one person made a bit of anger boil up inside of him. The longer he looked at Damian’s lips, the more he felt the urge. He actually wanted to kiss him. He leaned in so that his face was mere inches away from Damian’s before slightly cocking his head so their noses wouldn’t bump.

Their lips finally connected, and that had Louis’ shoulders relaxing. He hadn’t realized just how tense he was. He could taste the beer on Damian’s lips and he was sure Damian could taste alcohol on his too. Louis began to feel the urges. He was relieved. At least he knows he isn’t numb to feelings anymore.

Damian pulled away to look into Louis’ eyes as he smiled. “Was that good?”

“Yeah,” Louis breathed out while staring at the man’s lush lips and leaning in to press his lips against Damian’s again. The intimacy felt amazing. He felt almost as if he could cry. He actually felt good for once.

Damian couldn’t help but chuckle in the back of his throat when Louis’ hand came up to rest on his neck as the kiss deepened. Louis was addicted to the feeling. He’s kissed Hailey and it’s never felt this exciting. This was _addicting_.

Louis had to force himself to pull away and he sat back in the seat. “That was amazing,” he breathed out and smiled when he saw Damian staring at him with a grin. “What?”

“I want you to experiment on me,” he said and Louis was taken back and confused.

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve never been with a man. I want to be your experiment,” Damian said.

Louis was dumbfounded. His experiment!? That just sounds so wrong. “No, that doesn’t even sound right. I can’t do—“

“Louis,” Damian chuckled, “I really don’t mind.”

“Don’t call it an experiment, then. It sounds so wrong. I don’t want it to seem like I’m using you or anything because that’s not my intentions. I’m just trying—“

“To figure things out, I know,” Damian said.

Louis sighed and slouched in his seat. He was really curious about one thing but he was afraid to ask since Damian might laugh at him. That would be so embarrassing! “I have this really embarrassing question...”

“Go ahead,” Damian gave him the go, because now he was really curious as to what this question might be.

“So you said in your bio about sex,” Louis began and Damian had an idea of where this was going, “and basically I, uh...” And then Louis began to sort of laugh at himself for having such a weird question. “Don’t laugh at me though! But how would you—how would I, you know—how would we go about that, exactly?” Louis looked over to watch Damian’s reaction.

“Well,” Damian started as he moved into a more comfortable position and even tried to hold back a laugh, “I think you might have an idea of how we would go about that, but I’m going to guess your real concern is who’s going to be taking what, am I right?”

And now Louis was laughing because wow, things have gotten a little weird. “Yeah, pretty much!”

“We don’t have to do any of that you don’t want to do. You’re just feeling things out for now, so I respect that,” Damian said.

Louis bit his lip and directed his eyes elsewhere. “But what if I want to?”

“Then we’ll do whatever you’re comfortable with doing. We’ll go at your pace,” Damian said and smiled. “I know this is all new to you, and it’s okay if you ask questions, even if they’re really weird.”

And then they were laughing again. Louis liked the sound of Damian’s laugh. Just hearing him laugh was like a cure to making him happy.

“Okay, well, I’ve got to go. I have to get back home to me son,” Louis said as he opened the door. “I enjoyed this first date with you. Definitely one of the best I’ve ever been on.” And then Louis leaned in and pressed a kiss to Damian’s lips. “I’ll talk to you later, darling.” He got out of the car and shut the door, leaving Damian alone.

Damian watched as Louis started toward his own car. He couldn’t help but rake his eyes back over the older man’s body. Louis had an amazing figure. From the photos Damian saw online of when Louis was younger, much didn’t change.

Louis got into his car and started it up. He actually felt really good, the best he’s felt in ages. He didn’t feel like doom and gloom anymore. It wasn’t going to last, but it just felt good to feel happy for once.

He looked up into the rearview mirror and watched as Damian’s car drove by and even honked the horn at Louis. He chuckled and shook his head, shifting the car into drive before pulling out of the lot.

Louis arrived home around seven. He shut the car off and just sat in his car. His eyes observed the large house before him. Maybe it was too much house for him and his son. It’s more for a family: six bedrooms and six washrooms. He’s turned two of the bedrooms into guest rooms, one into an office, and another is completely empty. There’s a large pool in the backyard that’s only used for parties, a game room, a cinema, a workout room, and the house is even gated all around for privacy. It’s just too much.

Louis sighed and got out of the car to walk up to the front door and unlocked it. He stepped inside and heard Freddie upstairs yelling video game related terms. Louis climbed the stairs and made his way over to Freddie’s room to poke his head in. His son had his headphones on while sitting in his gamer chair.

“Leo, I fucking told you to cover me but you—“

“Freddie,” Louis called to him.

Freddie quickly looked over to see his dad, so he snatched his headphones off and rested them around his neck. “Hey, dad! How was your date?” He asked.

Louis smiled. “It was good. Really good, actually. How was school today?”

“It was good. I got all of my homework completed. Oh! I had a maths test today and I’m confident that I got a really good grade on it. I also attended football practice on time,” Freddie said.

“I’m proud of you, bud,” Louis spoke softly. “I’m going to head to bed. Don’t stay up too late playing video games. You’ve got school tomorrow. Goodnight, buddy.”

“Wait, can I ask you a question?” His son asked.

“Alright,” Louis said, leaning against the doorframe.

“May I have a friend over Friday evening to spend the night?” Freddie asked.

Louis thought about it as he tried to remember if either of them had anything important to do Friday evening or Saturday but nothing came about in his head. “I don’t see why not.”

“Alright, cool! Thanks, dad! Goodnight,” Freddie said before slipping his headphones back over his head and ears and then tending back to the paused video game.

Louis left the boy’s room and shut the door. He made his way down the hall to his own room and pulled his shirt over his head once he shut the door. He decided to shower so that he would feel clean getting into bed. He pulled on his briefs after his shower and when he turned towards his sink he was met with a reflection of himself in the mirror. His eyes traveled down and back up his body. He’s been trying to stay fit by working out every couple of days during the week in the gym room. He hasn’t kept up with it this week. But his body wasn’t to his satisfaction, it never really has been. He’s honestly thought about doing a bit of football again.

His eyes spotted a familiar tattoo and he couldn’t help but allow his fingers to rub over the fading ink that spelt out ‘Bus 1’ on his right forearm. He forced the thought of the man to the back of his head before leaving his washroom, aggressively flipping the light switch off. 


End file.
